Here's Help to Identify and Overcome
Holiday Stress and Disappointment

In spite of everything that we want to believe about the holiday season - that it should be about the spirit of giving and that it should be a time of contentment and peace - the reality is that we often feel bad during the holidays. How can this be? One reason is that we still have feelings and emotions left over from our past that may continue to affect us today.

Let's look at some contributing factors to our holiday blues and discuss what we can do about them:

STRESS

Do you put too much importance on gifts and not enough on people? Ask yourself why.

Are you driven to do everything and do it perfectly - ruining the fun of shared activities? Identify whose voice is telling you that you must be perfect.

Do you end up resenting others who do not give you the help you believe you need?

You can learn some skills to communicate your needs better. How to do that? "I" statements are a respectful way to communicate natural needs and feelings. Here's the template for "I" statements: When you ___, I felt ____ and I wish _____. Example: "When you made plans with your friends instead of helping with the Christmas shopping, I felt unimportant and I wish that you would talk to me before making plans."

Do you let sad memories of better times ruin the opportunity for new experiences? Perhaps you have not given yourself permission to grieve the past.

Do you concentrate on unfulfilled resolutions from last year's holidays? Focusing on failures will sabotage the future.

EXPECTATIONS

You can avoid some of the problems brought on by unrealistic expectations by honestly evaluating theses expectations before the holiday season

Do you expect thatthe alcoholic relative suddenly won't want to drink? That people won't argue and fight? That everyone will get along? Do you expect that your home will look like a page from House Beautiful and your meals will be right out of Martha Stewart's cookbook?

Don't be so hard on yourself and others- try to relax and look for things to enjoy!

FAMILIES

Have you ever felt like an incompetent six year old after spending only a couple of days (or hours?) with your family during the holidays?

It's not uncommon to feel like a child again in your parent's home AND it is not uncommon for parents to have trouble treating adult children as adults while visiting.

What to do? Try different things: take your parents out to dinner; spend time with each individually; plan some activities apart from the family; have your parents come to your home this year; try to clarify expectations in advance to avoid hurt feelings.

Remember that whenever people live together away from their normal environments, it's not unusual for tensions to flare up. Don't freak out when this happens.

CONSIDER THE SOURCE

Our emotions are controlled by 2 sources: external and internal. Try something new this year - let go of events and people that are beyond your control and focus on what you can control - your emotional reaction.

PRACTICAL TIPS

1. Think about what you can cut out of your list of 'to do's' - then cut them!

2. Think of others. Giving of our time, energy & resources takes the focus off of ourselves.

3. Has your past behavior represented the true meaning of Christmas to others - your children, your family, friends and others? Now is the time to make changes - in you! Remember to be thankful