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Parenting -- What's Our Goal?

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Contributed by: Families Counseling Center on 5/12/2007

by Deborah Tucker, MA, MFT

When we first become a parent and we gaze into the eyes of our new baby, most of us aren't thinking about how things will be some two decades later, when this child is grown and hopefully ready to be on their own. Feed and diapering, bathing and rocking, and so many other things take up our time and attention for a long time to come. But parenting, like everything other activity, is a learned skill that produces results. The result we want in the end is for our child to be a moral, loving, competent adult. Here's some food for thought about how to get there.

First, love your child. Your child only has two parents, and your love is vital. Show it every day, in every way you can. Your touch, your time, your attention, your soothing -- all of this is so important to helping your child feel secure. Their need for this starts on day one, and never really stops. Your way of providing these things will change over time, but their need for your emotional presence never really changes.

Second, help your child learn to deal with the world. There is a lot that children need to cope with, and little by little it's our job to help them learn to do that. Babies eventually learn security within a schedule, toddlers learn that sometimes the answer is "no". School age children learn that they have to sometimes wait for things, teenagers learn how to manage themselves out in the world, and finally young adults learn how to responsibly leave the nest. At every stage, the trick is to balance giving them a loving home base with just a little more responsibility.

Third, don't deprive your children of the satisfaction that comes with working for something. Sometimes as parents we get caught up in doing what makes us feel good. We want to give our children everything, we want them to have what we didn't, we want them to never have to suffer, not even a little bit. But what makes a child strong and self-confident is their growing knowledge that they are competent, that they "can do it", whatever it is. Again it's about balance, giving them the tools they need and then allowing them to do as much as they are ready for, on their own.

By the time they are teens, the end is sight. Whether you think they are ready or not, they are more and more in the world of their peers. Give them enough structure to keep them safe, give them enough room to make some choices, and above all, let them experience the consequences of those choices. This doesn't mean throwing them to wind; it does mean that you're in the end stages of helping them learn what happens, in the hope that they will then think ahead more, rather than just impulsively do.

At some point, it's time for them to leave the nest. If you've prepared them to plan ahead so that they know how to work, wait and save, they should be in good shape financially. If you've taught them to think for themselves even when the "group" is making bad choices, they should be in good shape socially. If you've taught them that what they do, large or small, has an impact on others, they should be in good shape morally. So let them go, encourage them to handle things on their own, and let iron out the remaining details even if they make few mistakes.

All along this journey, never forget to show them that you love them. Even a hormonally crazed teenager needs to know that their parents love them no matter what, and that they are loved enough to be given limits as needed. Some stages with children are tougher than others, but if you keep your eye on the goal, you and your children will get there, and you'll really appreciate the journey.

Deborah Tucker, MA, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and is the owner of Families Counseling Center. She can be reached at 805-583-3976 x 33.

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Submitted By: Michele Bennett

posted on 6/13/2007 @ 9:09:24 PM

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Wonderful article Deborah! I will share it with my Daughter and her Husabnd, who are new parents. Thank you!

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Families Counseling Center

Simi Valley , CA

Families Counseling Center has posted 3 stories and 0 comments since joining on 5/12/2007. Families Counseling Center's average story rating is 4.5.

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