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Blog Entry 2 of 9 Annie's Mailbox - THE REAL ANSWERS

Don't you hate it when "experts" give people bad advice? When they cop out and say "Talk to a therapist"? Well, here is the straight-up, politically INcorrect advice that will save these poor people a trip to the therapist's office.

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She needs help making a tough decision

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Contributed by: Dame von Fiess on 4/3/2007

Annie's Mailbox, November 26, 2006
"She needs some help in making tough decision"

Dear Annie: I've been married nearly 20 years. My husband has always been self-centered and verbally abusive. We have five children - the youngest only 3 - so we have a lot of years left together.

The problem is, I recently found out that my husband had a one-night stand a few years ago. He brought this woman into our house while the children and I were gone. I have no trust left and even have a hard time talking to him. Our marriage was never that good, but I took my vows seriously. After finding out about the cheating, I'm only staying for the children.

We've gone to counseling together, and I've gone alone. Nothing seems to make a difference. I don't know if I'm teaching my children anything good by staying. I don't have much self-esteem left. What should I do? - Mrs. No Respect

ANNIE'S ANSWER

Dear Mrs.: Only you can determine if the stability you provide the children by staying outweighs the unhappiness you may be conveying to them. It is not beneficial to children to witness abuse or live in a stressful, depressing environment.

Part of the problem is that this affair is fresh to you, and worse, it happened in your home. Has he cheated since? Did he cheat before? You need to work through this particular affront and then see what's left. Go back to your counselor, or find another one, and ask for help making some tough decisions.

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THE REAL ANSWER SHOULD HAVE BEEN:

Dear Mrs.: This is not a tough decision. It is an easy one. The emotional part of your marriage is over. You have tried counseling and it didn't work, so there's no point in beating your head against the wall. Detach emotionally from this man so you can focus on the practical issues surrounding you and your children.

You took your vows seriously, but your husband didn't, so you are off the hook. You can not trust someone who is not trustworthy. Don't even try. It doesn't matter whether he cheated before, or since. The bottom line is that this relationship is not healthy for you and you are not setting a good example for your children by staying in an environment that robs you of your self esteem. What would you want your children to do if they were in your same situation?

This man is the father of your children, but that is all. He is no longer your emotional partner. Treat him as an extended family member or roommate. Be civil, but do not sleep in the same bed. As soon as you are financially able, move out. Reach out to others who are healthy for you. Little by little, your life will be rebuilt.

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