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Blog Entry 6 of 9 Annie's Mailbox - THE REAL ANSWERS

Don't you hate it when "experts" give people bad advice? When they cop out and say "Talk to a therapist"? Well, here is the straight-up, politically INcorrect advice that will save these poor people a trip to the therapist's office.

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Husband admits sexual addiction

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Contributed by: Dame von Fiess on 4/12/2007

Annie's Mailbox, Feb. 13, 2007
"How should she deal with his sexual addiction?"

Dear Annie: I have been married over 30 years and have two terrific children. I thought our marriage was fine, until my husband confessed he has a sexual addiction that's been going for years - strip clubs, massage parlors and sex with prostitutes, male and female.

My husband wants forgiveness. We are both going to counseling, and he also participates in a group for sex addicts. We've both been tested for STDs. We have separate bedrooms and are civil to each other. It has been 18 months since I learned the truth, and he claims he has been clean the whole time. I am so confused. I could forgive a drug or alcohol addiction, but I am having a real problem with this.

He says he's always loved me and wants to be with me. I don't know what I want, or if I can ever forgive him. Any advice? - The Faithful Wife

ANNIE'S ANSWER:

Dear Wife: Forgiveness is difficult, but not impossible. There are self-help groups for spouses of sex addicts, and they can help you find clarity. Please contact S-Anon (sanon.org), and COSA (cosa-recovery.org). Good luck.

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THE ANSWER SHOULD HAVE BEEN:

Dear Wife: If your husband is remorseful, you can eventually learn to forgive him. However, your sense of betrayal will likely never go away. It was extremely selfish of him to keep the truth from you for so long. He willingly and repeatedly put your life at risk.

You must accept the fact that your husband's addiction is likely never going to change, and chances are he will hide more of this activity from you in the future. He may love you and want to be with you, but you must ask yourself if you can live with this behavior. It's an essential part of who he is.

You may choose to stay with him and have a platonic relationship. Or, if you want to continue a sexual relationship, ALWAYS insist that he wear a condom and get tested for STDs regularly, even if he swears he has been faithful. He does not deserve your trust in this regard. If he complains, remind him that it is a result of his choices, not yours.

Your trouble in forgiving this man is a healthy, self-respecting instinct. Trust it.

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