The Loss of Fear

It was my first official cross country race. I didn't do spectacular or even good for that matter. I came home exhausted, sweaty, with the weight of a mountain composed of homework looming over me. I came home, expecting solace. A "hey Audry good job" or "you did fine" would have worked for me. But the first words out of my dad's mouth were "you run like you're afraid, like you're unsure of yourself. You need to loose that fear and you'll be great." What? I was shocked for a moment. Then I got angry. I was tired of my parents expecting so much of me. I was never going to be talented, or fast. Frankly, I wasn't going to be an Olympic runner who broke world records. So why? I had already accepted the fact that I was mediocre. I played it off. If they couldn't accept that I wasn't going to be amazing, then that was their problem. But his words stuck in my head. And it annoyed my every day. I didn't run with fear. I didn't even think it was possible to run scared. You just ran. Pretty simple.

But one day, while aimlessly surfing the web (avoiding homework mainly), I came across a quote, or rather a poem by Marianne Williamson. She said:

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some, it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

After reading it over a couple times, mulling over every word and every line, I began to ask myself how I had come to think I was not good enough. I had always been afraid of doing well. I felt people would put me on some pedestal that I would not be good enough for all the time. And the minute I faltered, my peers would think less of me. I truly ran with fear

Looking back I find it hard to laugh at myself. This is because I still think that way. Sometimes I think I am not smart enough to do something, not talented enough, not nearly beautiful enough, nor strong. But my sole conviction is this: to live is to live without fear. It is to ascend to greatness and harmony within ourselves. And the minute we achieve this ultimate goal, we are free. This I believe.